Jedi Jabberwocky with Mortimer Weasel

Vertical 105 - WOOKIE YOGA

#maythe4thbewithyou

Perky Padawans:

I survived Wookiee yoga, and I’m pretty sure I left my dignity—and several layers of skin—on the mat. May the Fourth be with ME!

That "Force-Flow" yoga retreat, darling, had my chakras filing a restraining order. One Padawan tried to "levitate" his worries and ended up dropping a meditation boulder on my foot—which, naturally, the Council said was a "test of my patience".

My patience isn't a test; it's a limited-time offer that expired during the first trimester of the Republic. Between the Wookiee hair in the communal showers and the "Force-assisted" backbends that made my spine sound like R2-D2 falling down a flight of stairs, I am officially over it.

If I wanted to suffer for "growth," I’d just spend a weekend at an IKEA with Señor Loco.

That studio was a sulfurous poo poo platter; I haven't smelt that much gas since the last time Señor Loco tried to cook "authentic" chili and fed it to the Conchita.

Meanwhile Chewbacca downward-dogged with such ferocity he literally cracked the foundation, while the rest of the class was busy farting away!

Who knew that "inner peace" came with a complimentary herniated disk and a pulled muscle in a place I didn't even know existed?

Gurl, if this is what it takes to get centered, I'd rather stay unbalanced and stick to judging people from the safety of my burrow in Degobah.

#JediJabberwocky #Wookie #WookieHappens #MortimerWeasel #LosTiteresTV #ForceAssisted #DatingDisasters #ChewyYoga #GalacticGossip

Jedi Jabberwocky - Season 2 - Vertical 104 - JEDI DATING

Darling, if you thought finding a decent date in West Hollywood was a tragedy, try navigating the dating pool when everyone is "connected" to a mystical energy field. I’ve been Force-swiping on GRIND-R2 for weeks, and let me tell you, the pickings are slimmer than "Jabba El Hutt" after a kale-smoothie cleanse.

I just got my quarterly Jedi stipend and let me tell you—enlightenment is a pyramid scheme!

They expect me to maintain inner peace and battle my daddy issues across the galaxy for the price of a generic latte and a coupon for blue milk. I had to put my lightsaber crystals on Etsy just to afford a decent skincare routine, because let’s face it, cosmic radiation is not a vibe.

If the Force is supposed to be "all-encompassing," why doesn't it encompass my rent in Beverly Hills? I’m one late payment away from taking #Palpatine up on that dental insurance offer—at least the Sith understand that couture costs credits, hunny!

I recently attended a "Force-Flow" yoga retreat, and darling, my chakras have filed a restraining order. One Padawan tried to "levitate" his worries and ended up dropping a meditation boulder on my foot—which, naturally, the Council said was a "test of my patience". Honey, my patience isn't a test; it's a limited-time offer that expired during the first trimester of the Republic.

Between the Wookiee hair in the communal showers and the "Force-assisted" backbends that made my spine sound like R2-D2 falling down a flight of stairs, I am officially over it. If I wanted to suffer for "growth," I’d just spend a weekend at an IKEA with Señor Loco.

The heavy breathing. Is it ominous? Sure. Sexy? Surprisingly, yes—until you’re trying to sleep and it sounds like a broken vacuum cleaner confessing its sins.

#JediJabberwocky #GrindR2 #SithHappens #MortimerWeasel #LosTiteresTV #ForceSensitive #DatingDisasters #CoutureChaos #GalacticGossip

Jedi Jabberwocky - Season 2 -

Vertical 103 - FORCE GHOSTS

Darling, I finally stepped foot inside the Millennium Falcon and nearly fainted—it’s not a "legendary starship," it’s a flying grease trap with the Feng Shui of a discarded toaster. Han Solo thinks "rugged charm" covers up the fact that his upholstery smells like wet Wookiee and regret, but honey, I’ve seen better lighting in a Jawa’s junk trunk.

I tried to suggest some sequined throw pillows to mask the industrial despair, but Chewbacca just growled at me like I was suggesting we eat his grandmother. If the Rebellion wants me to save the galaxy, they’re going to have to do it in a vessel that doesn't trigger my allergies or my sense of aesthetic superiority. I’m off to find a ship with a champagne fountain and significantly fewer exposed wires.

Is the secret to eternal life hidden in a green smoothie or just a very aggressive swamp cleanse? Is Yoda’s secret to living forever actually the Force, or just a swamp-juice cleanse that destroys your dignity?

Jedi Jabberwocky - Season 2 - Vertical 102 - OZEMPIC FACE

Let’s talk about C-3PO—the only droid in the galaxy who manages to be more emotionally high-maintenance than me on a Monday morning.

He’s gold-plated and polished to perfection, yet he has the structural integrity of a wet paper towel and the social anxiety of a cat at a dog show. I asked him for a simple martini — shaken, not beeped — and he gave me a lecture on the "six million forms of communication" and why my liver is a statistical anomaly.

Honestly, if I wanted to spend my afternoon being lectured by a shiny, neurotic gay, I’d go back to dating that mime in West Hollywood. Hunny, if you’re going to be that fabulous and metallic, at least learn how to mix a drink without having a protocol-induced meltdown. That's just decent queer etiquette.

Are all these translucent Jedi mentors I'm seeing actual spiritual guides or just the world's most annoying, uninvited houseguests? Force ghosts: spiritual guides, or just translucent 3AM creepers?

#ForceGhosts #ObiWanKenobi #MortimerWeasel #JediJabberwocky #LosTiteresTV #NoSleepForTheWicked #MortimerWeasel #Airbnb #PuppetLife

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